Sadness

I think this may be the saddest I've ever been, ever. Apologies in advance for the drama, I'm just hoping that writing this down will make me feel better. First off, may I ask you to please help me pray for my little boy, that he may regain his health. He has bladder issues at the moment, on top of his Autism. This is the main reason why I am sad. Life has never been easy on me ever since I became a solo parent, but there have always been happy days that make up for the sad ones, but lately it seems each and every day is a sad day. More often than not, I go to bed in tears and wake up the same way.

I've read from the book, Tuesdays with Morrie, that in order to cope, you'll need to "Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, “All right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is"." and so I am immersing myself in my sadness, hoping to experience it wholly and then let go and detach. Easier said than done. Getting out of this rut has actually been quite challenging. I'll keep trying, though. A little perseverance never hurts, I guess.

I'm okay with his Autism, I've accepted it and have learned to deal with it, but now that he is physically unwell, there have been more and more tantrums and meltdowns, and I feel like I die a little inside each time he goes off to Autismland - a sad and lonely place that turns sweet little boys into kicking and screaming strangers who leave your soul bruised and beaten. The happy smiles seem so few and far between. I am holding on to the hope that one of these days this storm will pass and once again there will be sunshine and rainbows in our little world. I guess from where I'm at right now, there is no way to go but up.