you know who you are

I LOVE YOU. i hope you know that. we may not be what we used to be but that has not kept me from loving you. i always have. i always will. to me, you are the father of my child. although he does not have your DNA, i know how much you love him and i love you for that. but that's not the only reason why i love you. you are a good person, no matter how much you try to convince me otherwise; and you have been so kind to me and little bear. do i love you as a friend? do i love you as a person from my past? do i love you as a person i wanna have a future with? at this point in time, i have no clue as to what i want. and i'm pretty sure the topic of you and me is the farthest thing from your mind as well. right now, i like how things are between you and me... no bitterness from the past, no anxiety about the future, it is what it is... and it is a good thing! and i just wanna let you know that no matter where the wind blows, i will always be here for you; and even if you don't say it, i know i can rely on you to be there for me and our little bear, forever... stay safe out there, SOLDIER BOY... take care of yourself... 
☀ wink wink wink ;P

☀☀☀ Even though we have changed and we are finding our own place in the world, we know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we will come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we are no longer FRIENDS... ☀☀☀

autism mommies = awesome women

ever since my little boy was diagnosed with autism, i've always wanted to reach out to someone who was going through the same things i was going through just to talk, compare notes, and get some tips on how to deal with a child with autism. i joined online groups and discussion boards but never really found anyone i connected with so i dealt with my son's autism alone. i had the support of family and friends but unless you are a parent of an autistic kid, you can never fully fathom the extreme highs and lows of living with autism. at first little bear did occupational and speech therapy and i was able to chat with parents and caregivers at waiting areas of therapy centers and that somewhat helped. just knowing that someone else was struggling the same way i was was a relief.

when my little bear turned 3, his doctor told me he was ready for special school and so he went, with mama bear and nanny in tow; and there i was pleasantly surprised to meet 3 amazing women with whom i had instant connection and what bonded us was the disability that was common in our little boys. like me, they were stay at home moms with an autistic child. our boys were all classmates in special school and while the kids were in class, we sat around the waiting area talking about our boys. at first the kids were all we talked about, but in time i learned so much more about these amazing women. not only did i find comfort in their company, i also experienced what it was like to have fun again after a long time of just existing from day to day. i realized that from the moment i became a mother up until i met my mommy friends that i was simply watching life pass me by.

i've been so caught up with making sure my boy got all the therapies and intervention he needed that i have set aside my own needs. i was so set on making him come out of his little world that i myself have retreated to my own little world that revolved around my little bear and helping him get better. i declined invitations from friends to meet up for lunch and the only parties i went to were kiddie birthday parties with little bear to help him build his socialization skills. in doing all this, i was the one becoming anti-social. up until i became friends with P, D, and L, i forgot what it's like to simply have a good laugh with a bunch of friends. i realized that i, too, needed socialization!

P has taught me never to lose hope... i see her 8 year old autistic son doing so well in school, already talking, and no tantrums because he is able to express his needs, and i say a little prayer for my little bear that someday he too will be able to talk like this kid does. i was so inspired by P when she told me her son A used to be like my little bear... always running around, non-verbal, daily tantrums, autistic indeed! looking at A now, one can't really tell for sure if he's autistic or not... he answers when spoken to, he's very friendly, and most importantly, he will tell you what he wants. now i hold on to the hope that my little tristan bear will someday get to that level. i encourage little bear a lot to hang out with his classmate A who has become like a big brother to him in the hopes that some of A's communication skills will rub off on my little boy hehehe! A is not my kid but i am proud of him as if he were my own son because he's now ready for the big school. truly A has come a long way and all credit is due to his ever patient mom, my good friend P. good job gurl! *** pat on the back, fist bump, and bear hugs, too... ;P

D has taught me perseverance. D's kid J is 6 years old and quite difficult to handle. D is all grace under pressure especially in situations where if it were me i would have gone ballistic. i've seen J roll on the floor making himself dirty, throwing food and toys everywhere, running and jumping around, clapping his hands non-stop. if this were my kid, i don't know if i could stay as calm as D usually is. seeing D unfrazzled by it all has inspired me to stay cool, calm, and collected when dealing with my little bear especially when he is being "very autistic". whenever i complain to God for making my life difficult at times, i think about D and her son J and realize that my life isn't so bad after all. dealing with little bear is like a walk in the park compared to dealing with J. i have grown to love D like a sister and J like a son and i often find myself saying a prayer for them as well as for me and my boy. Me and little bear, D and J... we shall overcome autism together! hang in there with me gurl... ;P

L has such a hard life that i just wanna give her and her 5 year old little autistic boy G a big hug. she does all that she can to make life for little G and her 2 other kids as comfortable as possible. L is a survivor in every sense of the word. if i were in her shoes, i would have had a nervous breakdown with all her problems coming one after the other. dealing with autism is hard enough as it is, but that seems to be the least of L's worries. she has remained strong though, and is still able to have a good laugh in spite of all the chaos in her world. as with all my women friends, i look up to her in admiration and awe and i say a little prayer of thanks to Him who has given me these 3 women who are my source of strength and emotional support. L is transferring G to a different special school and me and little bear will truly miss them both. i love hanging out with them because little bear is able to socialize with little G, maybe because they are closer in age... they don't exchange many words but they play a lot, and L and i enjoy hearing their hearty laughter and happy giggles... ;P

almost a year has gone by since i first became friends with these super women. when i wake up each morning, i find myself looking forward to spending time with them. call it chemistry, call it commonality, call it convenience, i call it genuine friendship! it's kinda sad though because our boys will each be going their separate ways at the start of the new school year, but i find comfort in knowing that my friendship with these women of strength will be forever... thank you gurls for being there for me and my little tristan bear... words cannot express how much i hold each of you and your little boys dear to my heart... kisses, kisses, kisses, and bear hugs, too... see you guys around... ☀ wink wink wink ;P

☀☀☀ To know someone here or there with whom you can feel there is understanding in spite of distances or thoughts expressed --- That can make life a garden. ☀☀☀ 
~~~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe