I feel trapped. I wonder if I'll ever be free again. I took for granted the freedom that I once had where I can sleep if I wanted to sleep, go out to the world and do as I please or stay at home and binge watch Six Feet Under the whole weekend. These days I feel like I no longer have any control over what I do. It makes me sad to think that this is how it is going to be for always... I hope not.
Lately I've been entertaining the though of what if I did things differently in the past. What if I went with the other choice? I know I chose what was supposed to be the right choice out of the two options presented to me but I can't help but wonder if I'd be where I am now had I chosen differently.
For as long as I can remember I have always been a dreamer. My favorite past time was watching these little made up movies in my mind where the recurring theme was always living a life that was so much better than the current one. Like when I was a kid I used to picture in my mind how Disneyland was going to be like when I'll finally make it there. When I was a broke college student I used to plan the many things I would buy when I'll finally earn my own money from a job after graduation. Most of those dreams eventually came true, but as life got more complicated, more and more movies remained only in my mind and reality was a different story. Imagining what life had in store for me has lost it's appeal, and doubts and fears took over.
I wonder when I stopped dreaming. At some point I can no longer get myself to imagine the life that I wanted to live, the many places I wanted to visit, that wonderful person I was going to meet... I used to dream very big, very detailed, very specific dreams. Now it is as if I don't want to dream big anymore. I used to want to go on an amazing African safari but now I'd settle for a trip to the mall once in a while, that's how drastic my life has changed. I miss dreaming big dreams and that sense of accomplishment that I feel each time a dream becomes a reality.
In the words of Soul Asylum "How on earth did I get so jaded, life's mystery seem so faded." Could my many failed attempts at reaching my goals be the reason why I have become so jaded? These days I feel like I just can't get a break. Life has been throwing me one curve ball after another, and another, and another... I was never one to easily give up but lately I feel like the fire in my belly have become dying embers.
My world has become a sad and scary place. How did I get from happy to sad in such a short span of time?
I recently watched the movie The Greatest Showman and I cried a little inside when the kid sang "A Million Dreams" because I used to be that kid - full of dreams, full of potential, and back then I truly believed that no dream was unreachable. I miss being that kid. I want to go back to believing in myself again...
More lyrics from the Soul Asylum song "Runaway Train" (I just like this song):
Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
And everything seems cut and dried
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it
This blog post is all over the place. I'm all over the place! One thing I ask of anyone who happens to be reading this - please include me in your prayers tonight... Thanks!