Sunday, August 5, 2018

Random Thoughts


I feel trapped. I wonder if I'll ever be free again. I took for granted the freedom that I once had where I can sleep if I wanted to sleep, go out to the world and do as I please or stay at home and binge watch Six Feet Under the whole weekend. These days I feel like I no longer have any control over what I do. It makes me sad to think that this is how it is going to be for always... I hope not.

Lately I've been entertaining the though of what if I did things differently in the past. What if I went with the other choice? I know I chose what was supposed to be the right choice out of the two options presented to me but I can't help but wonder if I'd be where I am now had I chosen differently. 

For as long as I can remember I have always been a dreamer. My favorite past time was watching these little made up movies in my mind where the recurring theme was always living a life that was so much better than the current one. Like when I was a kid I used to picture in my mind how Disneyland was going to be like when I'll finally make it there. When I was a broke college student I used to plan the many things I would buy when I'll finally earn my own money from a job after graduation. Most of those dreams eventually came true, but as life got more complicated, more and more movies remained only in my mind and reality was a different story. Imagining what life had in store for me has lost it's appeal, and doubts and fears took over.

I wonder when I stopped dreaming. At some point I can no longer get myself to imagine the life that I wanted to live, the many places I wanted to visit, that wonderful person I was going to meet... I used to dream very big, very detailed, very specific dreams. Now it is as if I don't want to dream big anymore. I used to want to go on an amazing African safari but now I'd settle for a trip to the mall once in a while, that's how drastic my life has changed. I miss dreaming big dreams and that sense of accomplishment that I feel each time a dream becomes a reality.

In the words of Soul Asylum "How on earth did I get so jaded, life's mystery seem so faded." Could my many failed attempts at reaching my goals be the reason why I have become so jaded? These days I feel like I just can't get a break. Life has been throwing me one curve ball after another, and another, and another... I was never one to easily give up but lately I feel like the fire in my belly have become dying embers. 

My world has become a sad and scary place. How did I get from happy to sad in such a short span of time?

I recently watched the movie The Greatest Showman and I cried a little inside when the kid sang "A Million Dreams" because I used to be that kid - full of dreams, full of potential, and back then I truly believed that no dream was unreachable. I miss being that kid. I want to go back to believing in myself again...

More lyrics from the Soul Asylum song "Runaway Train" (I just like this song):

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

This blog post is all over the place. I'm all over the place! One thing I ask of anyone who happens to be reading this - please include me in your prayers tonight... Thanks! 




Saturday, June 2, 2018

My 30 Movies

1. My Girl - not sure why but this has always been on my list for as long as I can remember. Maybe this movie reminds me of the relationship I had with a certain boy...
2. Con Air - there's nothing like the feeling of desperately wanting to come home to family...
3. Serendipity - this movie makes me hold on to the hope that there is someone out there who is the perfect one for me...
4. A Walk In The Clouds - Amore, si mellamas amor...
5. Stand By Me - Friendship, connection, adventures with best friends...
6. Wicker Park - Love will find a way...
7. Sleepers - Revenge, suppressed anger, payback...
8. It Could Happen To You - I would buy macadamia nuts, too, if I won the lottery...
9. A Simple Twist Of Fate - you never know what life sends your way and you'll just have to go with it...
10. The Pursuit of Happyness - he succeeded in spite of the odds stacked against him, this will happen to me, too...
11. Meet Joe Black - peanut butter!
12. The Shawshank Redemption - In college I was required to watch this movie and write a reflection paper... "He who has a WHY to live can bear with almost any HOW."
13. The Blind Side - there are good people out there who are willing to help, who will not ask for anything in return...
14. What's Eating Gilbert Grape - there is hope that the Infinite will lead us to a better place... saw this movie in a different light after I had a child with special needs... tearjerker...
15. Twilight - Edward... Bella... So I like teen vampire movies... Don't judge me! LOL
16. What Dreams May Come - “That which you believe becomes your world...” “Thank you... for gracing my life with your lovely presence, for adding the sweet measure of your soul to my existence...”
17. Gattaca - overcoming the odds...
18. City Of Angels - the things we give up for love...
19. Dead Poets Society - Oh Captain, My Captain 
20. Moulin Rouge - "Never knew I could feel like this like I've never seen the sky before..."
21. Autumn In New York - connecting with another person no matter how different the two of you are... and I want to visit New York someday!
22. Legends Of The Fall - I named my child "TRISTAN" after Brad Pitt's character in this movie...
23. Great Expectations - these rags to riches stories always get to me...
24. Slumdog Millionaire - there is always hope that one can get out of a hopeless situation...
25. The Greatest Showman - becoming successful inspite of being born with nothing... (This will happen to me, too!)
26. Charlie St. Cloud - cried so much when I watched this movie...
27. Coco - family, making memories, not being forgotten... My greatest fear is dying without being remembered!
28. Notting Hill - I want to visit Notting Hill someday...
29. Sweet November - "and time after time you'll hear me say that I'm so lucky to be loving you..."
30. The Age of Adaline - the solitary life... the changing world... the loneliness...

Monday, February 12, 2018

Sadness


I think this may be the saddest I've ever been, ever. Apologies in advance for the drama, I'm just hoping that writing this down will make me feel better. First off, may I ask you to please help me pray for my little boy, that he may regain his health. He has bladder issues at the moment, on top of his Autism. This is the main reason why I am sad. Life has never been easy on me ever since I became a solo parent, but there have always been happy days that make up for the sad ones, but lately it seems each and every day is a sad day. More often than not, I go to bed in tears and wake up the same way.

I've read from the book, Tuesdays with Morrie, that in order to cope, you'll need to "Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, “All right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is"." and so I am immersing myself in my sadness, hoping to experience it wholly and then let go and detach. Easier said than done. Getting out of this rut has actually been quite challenging. I'll keep trying, though. A little perseverance never hurts, I guess.

I'm okay with his Autism, I've accepted it and have learned to deal with it, but now that he is physically unwell, there have been more and more tantrums and meltdowns, and I feel like I die a little inside each time he goes off to Autismland - a sad and lonely place that turns sweet little boys into kicking and screaming strangers who leave your soul bruised and beaten. The happy smiles seem so few and far between. I am holding on to the hope that one of these days this storm will pass and once again there will be sunshine and rainbows in our little world. I guess from where I'm at right now, there is no way to go but up.




Monday, April 3, 2017

It's been 10 years


The last 10 years have not been the easiest, but I wouldn't trade it for the world... 
My Teetanz Bear, you make me want to become a better version of myself... 
I trust that the Infinite will lead us to a better place... 
We'll get there someday... One step at a time...
HOPE = Hold On Pain Ends

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Would You Rather He Wasn't Autistic?


A close friend of mine had the audacity to ask me a question that had me thinking long and hard - would you rather he wasn't autistic? The Miss Universe answer would be "No, because I love my child just the way he is" but after giving it some serious thought, my actual answer would be a big "YES!" If I were given the chance to trade autistic for non-autistic then I would in a heartbeat. I love my bear more than anything in this world but I have to say it has been difficult and heartbreaking at times because of the problems brought about by the dreaded A word. If he weren't autistic I'm guessing life would be easier for him and me, but it is what it is and so we play the hand we're dealt. "And so it is just like you said it would be, life goes easy on me most of the time...♬♪♬♪♬

Somewhat Normal


It has been a while since I felt anything changing for the better in our little corner on Autism Avenue but now I am happy to say that I think me and my bear are inching our way towards becoming somewhat normal. By no means are we close to being the typical single mama and her sweet little boy... but lately there have been fleeting moments of bliss where I forget that he is a child with special needs... and the world doesn't seem like it is such a cruel place for little boys who are not quite like everyone else... there have been tiny, rare moments when he is just like any other kid happily playing with his toys, free from any problem related to Autism. Reliving these happy moments in my mind get me through the difficult days. I can now say with confidence that I trust that the Infinite will lead me and my little bear somewhere better than where we are at the moment.

Thursday, March 17, 2016