2011

i've been angry this year. so many things i want to do, so many places i want to go to, but i can't. so many people i want to reach out to, but i don't want to for fear of rejection... my self worth has gone up a notch. i no longer feel like such a loser, and i'm proud that i found a job... i'm no longer happy because someone or something made me happy. i am happy because i am happy. being happy is possible after all, even with the non-existent luv life... my empty world doesn't feel so empty anymore. i became close with a handful of friends. i'm beginning to have a social life... i've realized that being hopeful is a good thing... wishing, wishing, wishing. hoping, hoping, hoping. believing that 2012 will be a great year for me and my bear!!!

i love you, buddy!!!

someone absolutely delightful came into my life! he has made me realize how important it is to have a friend you can count on. it's so refreshing to have a friend, who is a boy, who is not a boyfriend... you know what i mean! truly, there are certain people you meet in life who makes it possible for your frozen heart to become just a tiny bit warmer. it's too early to tell but i have a feeling that this friendship is gonna last a lifetime. if not, if for whatever reason he'll not be part of my world anymore, i just know i'll never forget this person and he'll always have a special place in my heart. lately i've been feeling a certain emptiness... i have a full life with my little bear, my gal pals, and our little autism community, but somehow it lacked something. when i met this buddy of mine and started becoming fast friends with him, i realized i miss having someone to talk to. he is someone i can connect with, laugh with, talk about serious stuff or the most mundane of things in our daily lives, without the complications of a committed relationship. i always thought a boy and a girl can never be just friends... now i know it's possible. i just wanna thank you, buddy, for being my one man support system for the past month. you've helped me in so many ways... not just in finding a job, but you've also helped me rediscover my self-worth. i'm feeling a little more confident about myself these days and that's because you pushed me into making things happen. just know that little bear and i will always be here for you, buddy! i love you always, always, always... ;););)

13 random questions

i see the moon, the moon sees me, under the shade of the old oak tree,
please let the light that shines on me, shine on the one i love... ♥♥♥

1))) Are you a morning person or a night person? >>> i used to be a night person... slept during the day, worked at night. even when i wasn't working i stayed up all night watching tv and surfing the net... but now that bear is in school, we both need to get up really early in the morning so i sleep like a normal person now...

2))) Are there any causes you strongly believe in? >>> autism awareness and the research for a cure for autism. i wish more people will be aware of the condition the families with autism are in so as not to be so quick to pass judgement on parents and so that quirks of children with autism like my bear will be more accepted in society.

3))) When you meet someone of the opposite sex, what do you first notice about them? Which are the parts of their body that you notice? >>> i notice how clean the person is. of course i then notice the face and how well they dress. and how nice a person smells is definitely a turn on =D

4))) Which is your favorite comic book character? What do you like about him/her? 
>>> betty cooper of archie comics... coz she's a good girl... i wanna be one too... 

5))) Have you ever used being drunk as an excuse for doing or saying something? >>> yes! LOL 

6))) Who was the first person you ever kissed? >>> a classmate, when i was 13...

7))) Who was your first love? >>> the person i first kissed...

8))) If someone gave you $1,000 and asked you to kill a butterfly by burning it alive in the flame of a candle, would you do it? >>> yes! i'm so broke i'll do it for the money... LOL

9))) If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would you ask for? >>> a trip for 2 to disneyland coz me and my bear badly need a vacation... a new laptop coz mine is falling apart... and several sessions with dr.bello... LOL

10))) Have you ever dated two guys at once without either of them being the wiser about it? >>> no, i've always been a one man woman...

11))) Is there someone from the past you really miss and would like to locate? >>> yes, i always wonder about him. i don't know his last name so i can't search him on facebook.

12))) Would you marry someone much richer or much poorer than you? >>> how much a person has in his bank account doesn't matter to me, how much sense he has in his head does.

13))) If you won a million dollars in a lottery, what would you do with it? >>> shopping spree for me and my bear... travel around the world with the whole family... and i will buy all the chocolate covered macadamia nuts i want!

a glimpse of me... LOL

1.) Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

>>> 5 years from now i'll be happily settled in makati with my little bear... he'd be attending regular school... i'd be back at work... our home life would be peaceful... the nanny would be reliable... a boyfriend or husband in the picture would be nice, too (optional! LOL)... and i'd be fit and trim and fabulous... and every now and then, me and my bear will be going off to awesome vacation destinations...

2.) How happy are you with your appearance?

>>> not so much... lots of room for improvement!

3.) What is the one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

>>> i wish i had more guts to make things happen now...

4.) What is the one thing you like most about yourself?

>>> i like how thorough i am in taking care of my kid...

5.) What is the one thing you regret the most in your life?

>>> i regret using people like they were disposable commodities... if i were to go back in time, i would not have gotten into relationships just for the sake of having one... i would have been more considerate of other people's feelings...

6.) Do you feel you had a happy childhood?

>>> yes, a happy childhood...

7.) Were you deprived or abused in any way as a child?

>>> no...

8.) How do you feel about your mother?

>>> tricky question... love her... hate her...

9.) How do you feel about your father?

>>> he's ok... sometimes i'm proud of him... sometimes he's embarrassing...

10.) How do you feel about your parent's relationship?

>>> i don't really care about their relationship...

11.) Do you feel closer to your mother or father?

>>> neither...

12.) Do you still talk to any of your childhood friends?

>>> yes... some are still my closest friends even now that we're in our 30s

13.) How many close friends do you have?

>>> a handfull...

14.) Do you like to gossip?

>>> of course...

15.) How do you feel about church and religion?

>>> i feel that prayer should be a personal matter between you and your god...
i don't go to church much... not very religious...

16.) What are your political views?

>>> i don't really give a damn...

17.) How do you feel about children?

>>> i love my kid... enough said

18.) Where is your favorite place to go?

>>> i like dining out with my girlfriends to places that serve good food and drinks...

19.) What do you like to do on weekends or in your spare time?

>>> watch movies and television shows... read books... cuddle up with my bear...

20.) Do you consider yourself outgoing?

>>> no. i know i need to put myself out there... soon!!!

this is me... the wicked witch! hihihihihi

what i love about you

3 random things i love about my little autistic bear:


>>> he doesn't cry the way a regular kid does: boohuhuhu = boring!!! this is how he cries: he cries out words in alphabetical order... apple, ball, cat, dog, elephant with huge tears falling down his flustered face... hearing this for the first time just made me laugh out loud! this unique way of crying sounded so funny that it made me smile and melted away all my troubles, and then he giggles, and all is well in our little world once again... =D


>>> he sometimes wakes up before i do and pokes at my face and pulls my hair until i open my eyes... and then, just for me, he flashes the biggest smile with dimples on both chubby cheeks... this just makes my day! and if i'm really lucky, he throws in a kiss or two on the lips and cheeks, even without me forcing him to do so... and if i'm really, really lucky, he lets me hug him for a while without squirming and it sure feels like heaven... ***sigh***


>>> he sings "twinkle twinkle little star" and "good morning sa iyo" when he's excited, frustrated or just bored... the tone would depend on his mood... regardless of how he sings, his singing is always music to my ears... 6 months ago he can't even utter his name... each word that comes out of his little mouth is a blessing... each time he does what he's told to do is something to be applauded... each giggle sends my heart aflutter... hehehe! 


thank you, Lord for this little bear! ;P

thank you, Lord!!!

waking up to the sight of this smiling bear
every morning makes me feel like
i'm the luckiest girl! ♥♥♥  

who's your daddy?

ever since the thought of me becoming a single mother has sank in, i've always been a little worried about what i was going to say to my little bear when THE TIME comes --the time when he'll ask about his father... i was somewhat relieved when i learned he was autistic when he was around 2 because back then i knew very little about children in the autism spectrum and i thought he'd be so engrossed in his own little world that he wouldn't care about where he came from and wouldn't bother to ask me the dreaded question which, up to now, i don't know how to answer. a little sigh of relief for me back then... little did i know that this little bear is one persistent little fella... he tries super hard to communicate with me and the rest of the world (sooo proud of him for this!) and i just know in my heart that he'll be conversing in no time. at the rate he is going now, i have a feeling i would need to start preparing what i will be telling him in the not so distant future about HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED (the F word!!! --F as in Father hehehe!) i don't want to tell lies to my son, i just want to sugarcoat the truth a little bit --the truth is, the person who shares his DNA didn't want anything to do with us. that had made me feel rejected for a long time and i don't want my boy to be as sad as i had been... rejection in any form sucks! although i am still apprehensive about our future TALK about his biological father, i am happy that my 4 year old little autistic bear is thriving and getting curious about the world around him. he is beginning to speak in a few phrases and sentences and is now more able to express his needs... i have a feeling he's going to be asking a lot of questions real soon. for now, i will just enjoy the happy social smiles and giggles coming from my little bear and cheer him on when he says words appropriately... i'll worry about the future when it comes, i'll just have to wing it then... wish me luck! i got this... wink! wink! wink!

i got  you babe!!!

your eyes are so pretty

i wish for you on a falling star wondering where you are and do
i ever cross your mind in the warm sunshine ~~~ LFO

i haven't liked anyone in a really, really long time. but there is this one person who i really super dooper like (to the highest level!) and he's getting married, but not to me! =( booohooo! this isn't news to me. i knew he was engaged to be married when i met him, but that didn't stop me from liking him. i'll never admit this to him but deep down i was wishing he'd wake up one morning and realize that i was the right one for him, and he'd leave his soon to be wife at the altar and instead elope with me... haha what a fairy tale, i know! the reality of his upcoming change in civil status is only beginning to hit me... and although i know he and i will still be friends, i am pretty sure not everything will stay the same. i, for one, would feel uncomfortable talking late at night with a married man. he's such a decent man though... always kind, never inappropriate, and forever a gentleman that i can't help but want him for myself (yeah, yeah, yeah, i'm a witch for wanting someone else's man!) seriously, i've come across so many losers lately that it's quite refreshing to meet such a gem of a man, and such eye candy too... cool hairstyle always held in place by hair gel, pretty eyes and lashes to die for, and a smile that sends arrows straight to my heart (cheezy!). he's got a good head on his shoulder, can carry out an intelligent conversation, and a witty sense of humor to top it all off. i wish i had a man like this one. i know the one for me is out there... i hope he finds me real soon... hehehe! in the meantime, i'll try to better myself in preparation for my meeting with my very own mr.right... the one who wants to marry no one else but me! =)

~~~ keep your heart open to dreams. 

for as long as there's a dream, there is hope, 

and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living. ~~~

Weaving Dreams

We all have our own life to pursue, our own kind of dream to be weaving. 

And we all have some power to make wishes come true, as long as we keep believing...

A friend of mine was in the process of turning a dream into reality, but then, life stepped in the way and the journey was cut short... I feel bad for him because I know he really wanted this to happen. I, on the other hand, from the start did not approve of his choice of career path because I somehow felt that his safety would be compromised, so I am somewhat relieved that he is no longer going to that unsafe place. But still, I am sad for him because I know how it feels to want something so much, and just as that thing that you want is within reach, all of a sudden it is no longer attainable and your heart just feels like it has been ripped out of your chest... ***sigh*** My friend must be devastated and I just wanna hug him... I hope he realizes that there will be other dreams... and I hope he knows that although at times I may not agree with the choices that he makes, I am always here for him if ever he needs me... 
I LOVE YOU, my friend! You know who you are... wink! wink! wink! HUGS from me... 
KISSES from teetanz bear...

Reach for the stars!!!

Dream new dreams...

☆☆☆ Sometimes on the way to the dream 

you get lost and find a better one.☆☆☆

Remembering

I'm not going to tell the story the way it happened. I'm going to tell it the way I remember it...
Four years ago, I felt strongly about someone. I'm not really sure if it was the L word I was feeling or if it was more of desperately needing to have someone who will be there for me to hold my hand as I was about to face a rather difficult chapter of my so called life... I was five months pregnant and alone when I met this person. Instant connection... Became best friends after a few days... Inseparable for the next two months... But then, the friendship was cut short by distance and circumstance... =(

We once shared a common goal: we planned on migrating to The Great Cayman Islands! (((LOL))) At that time, I was constantly googling images of The Great Cayman Islands while I was at work, day dreaming... Imagining what our life together would be like in this new and exciting place: the two of us raising the child I was about to have... coming home to each other after a hard day at work... ***sigh*** But then, I had to leave, and he had to stay behind... I had a baby to raise, while he had a career to build, obligations to fulfill, and dreams to chase... (nostalgia now makin me cry just a lil bit!)

Things didn't quite turn out as we planned... Physical separation... Unexpected turn of events... Out of sight, out of mind... We failed to keep the communication lines open... Eventually the friendship went kaput! =( I still think about him sometimes, though... I seldom do this, but once in a while, I indulge myself by allowing my mind to wander into thoughts of   "what could have been..." It's his birthday today... Happy 28th Birthday my friend, wherever you are... I wonder if I'll ever see you again... I wish you well... and I wonder if you also think about me sometimes... ;P

Calvin & Hobbes: I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. 

If we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time...  

Just A Few of the Many Happy Memories:

>>> He and I spent the morning together--- eating, talking, watching tv... at noon we rode the bus together--- I was going to work, and he was going to do errands... My stop was coming up and I needed to get off the bus but at the last minute I decided to blow off work... Stayed on the bus and spent the rest of the day with him doing errands... Happy day... Fun day... All smiles...

>>> I was anxiously waiting for my mom to arrive from my hometown and was gonna tell her my news--- that I was six months along the way! He decided to take me to the mall and go shopping like we always do, like it was any other day--- to calm my nerves... and it worked! Be it window shopping, grocery shopping or buying maternity clothes--- it's always fun when he's around...

>>> We were both craving for the perfect sisig dish... we went on a food trip--- on a quest for the best sisig in town! We ate at Dencio's, Gerry's, Ineng's, and even tried vacuum packed sisig and canned sisig, too (ewww!)... We both loved Dencio's! If pregnant girl wanted sisig, pregnant girl got sisig--- that's the rule! ...and the weight just kept piling on and on and on... LOL 

>>> He calls me up on my cellphone a few minutes after leaving my house... He tells me to look out the window because he wanted to wave at me from across the street. (This incident just makes me smile every time I remember it!) ...and there he was, six feet and five inches tall, looking like an ant from where I was standing--- because I lived on the 6th floor of the building.

>>> He sends me a text message while I was at work asking me if I liked buttered corn and carrots... he tells me he got into a fight with some boys while playing basketball... I dunno why up to now I still remember all this... While at work I find out that I had the day off on my birthday... the first thing I do after hearing the good news is call him up to tell him all about it...

>>> He went with me to the gynecologist for prenatal check ups and to government offices for filing of maternity benefits--- people in these places automatically assumed he was my husband, neither of us told anyone that we weren't married or that he wasn't the father of the child I was carrying... Being together just felt natural... and FUN was always part of the equation!

>>> I had a exhausting day at work and was going home to an empty house because it was the maid's day off... He showed up and gave me a hug and everything bad about my day quickly dissolved... He made me smile... He got me laughing my ass off even when I was at my grouchiest... His mere presence made me realize that my life wasn't so bad after all... ***smile***

you know who you are

I LOVE YOU. i hope you know that. we may not be what we used to be but that has not kept me from loving you. i always have. i always will. to me, you are the father of my child. although he does not have your DNA, i know how much you love him and i love you for that. but that's not the only reason why i love you. you are a good person, no matter how much you try to convince me otherwise; and you have been so kind to me and little bear. do i love you as a friend? do i love you as a person from my past? do i love you as a person i wanna have a future with? at this point in time, i have no clue as to what i want. and i'm pretty sure the topic of you and me is the farthest thing from your mind as well. right now, i like how things are between you and me... no bitterness from the past, no anxiety about the future, it is what it is... and it is a good thing! and i just wanna let you know that no matter where the wind blows, i will always be here for you; and even if you don't say it, i know i can rely on you to be there for me and our little bear, forever... stay safe out there, SOLDIER BOY... take care of yourself... 
☀ wink wink wink ;P

☀☀☀ Even though we have changed and we are finding our own place in the world, we know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we will come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we are no longer FRIENDS... ☀☀☀

autism mommies = awesome women

ever since my little boy was diagnosed with autism, i've always wanted to reach out to someone who was going through the same things i was going through just to talk, compare notes, and get some tips on how to deal with a child with autism. i joined online groups and discussion boards but never really found anyone i connected with so i dealt with my son's autism alone. i had the support of family and friends but unless you are a parent of an autistic kid, you can never fully fathom the extreme highs and lows of living with autism. at first little bear did occupational and speech therapy and i was able to chat with parents and caregivers at waiting areas of therapy centers and that somewhat helped. just knowing that someone else was struggling the same way i was was a relief.

when my little bear turned 3, his doctor told me he was ready for special school and so he went, with mama bear and nanny in tow; and there i was pleasantly surprised to meet 3 amazing women with whom i had instant connection and what bonded us was the disability that was common in our little boys. like me, they were stay at home moms with an autistic child. our boys were all classmates in special school and while the kids were in class, we sat around the waiting area talking about our boys. at first the kids were all we talked about, but in time i learned so much more about these amazing women. not only did i find comfort in their company, i also experienced what it was like to have fun again after a long time of just existing from day to day. i realized that from the moment i became a mother up until i met my mommy friends that i was simply watching life pass me by.

i've been so caught up with making sure my boy got all the therapies and intervention he needed that i have set aside my own needs. i was so set on making him come out of his little world that i myself have retreated to my own little world that revolved around my little bear and helping him get better. i declined invitations from friends to meet up for lunch and the only parties i went to were kiddie birthday parties with little bear to help him build his socialization skills. in doing all this, i was the one becoming anti-social. up until i became friends with P, D, and L, i forgot what it's like to simply have a good laugh with a bunch of friends. i realized that i, too, needed socialization!

P has taught me never to lose hope... i see her 8 year old autistic son doing so well in school, already talking, and no tantrums because he is able to express his needs, and i say a little prayer for my little bear that someday he too will be able to talk like this kid does. i was so inspired by P when she told me her son A used to be like my little bear... always running around, non-verbal, daily tantrums, autistic indeed! looking at A now, one can't really tell for sure if he's autistic or not... he answers when spoken to, he's very friendly, and most importantly, he will tell you what he wants. now i hold on to the hope that my little tristan bear will someday get to that level. i encourage little bear a lot to hang out with his classmate A who has become like a big brother to him in the hopes that some of A's communication skills will rub off on my little boy hehehe! A is not my kid but i am proud of him as if he were my own son because he's now ready for the big school. truly A has come a long way and all credit is due to his ever patient mom, my good friend P. good job gurl! *** pat on the back, fist bump, and bear hugs, too... ;P

D has taught me perseverance. D's kid J is 6 years old and quite difficult to handle. D is all grace under pressure especially in situations where if it were me i would have gone ballistic. i've seen J roll on the floor making himself dirty, throwing food and toys everywhere, running and jumping around, clapping his hands non-stop. if this were my kid, i don't know if i could stay as calm as D usually is. seeing D unfrazzled by it all has inspired me to stay cool, calm, and collected when dealing with my little bear especially when he is being "very autistic". whenever i complain to God for making my life difficult at times, i think about D and her son J and realize that my life isn't so bad after all. dealing with little bear is like a walk in the park compared to dealing with J. i have grown to love D like a sister and J like a son and i often find myself saying a prayer for them as well as for me and my boy. Me and little bear, D and J... we shall overcome autism together! hang in there with me gurl... ;P

L has such a hard life that i just wanna give her and her 5 year old little autistic boy G a big hug. she does all that she can to make life for little G and her 2 other kids as comfortable as possible. L is a survivor in every sense of the word. if i were in her shoes, i would have had a nervous breakdown with all her problems coming one after the other. dealing with autism is hard enough as it is, but that seems to be the least of L's worries. she has remained strong though, and is still able to have a good laugh in spite of all the chaos in her world. as with all my women friends, i look up to her in admiration and awe and i say a little prayer of thanks to Him who has given me these 3 women who are my source of strength and emotional support. L is transferring G to a different special school and me and little bear will truly miss them both. i love hanging out with them because little bear is able to socialize with little G, maybe because they are closer in age... they don't exchange many words but they play a lot, and L and i enjoy hearing their hearty laughter and happy giggles... ;P

almost a year has gone by since i first became friends with these super women. when i wake up each morning, i find myself looking forward to spending time with them. call it chemistry, call it commonality, call it convenience, i call it genuine friendship! it's kinda sad though because our boys will each be going their separate ways at the start of the new school year, but i find comfort in knowing that my friendship with these women of strength will be forever... thank you gurls for being there for me and my little tristan bear... words cannot express how much i hold each of you and your little boys dear to my heart... kisses, kisses, kisses, and bear hugs, too... see you guys around... ☀ wink wink wink ;P

☀☀☀ To know someone here or there with whom you can feel there is understanding in spite of distances or thoughts expressed --- That can make life a garden. ☀☀☀ 
~~~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

 

i like you just like that

you and me we can light up the sky... LOL... dream on...

there are people in this world that we like for no particular reason, the same way there are people who annoy us simply because the way they breathe irritates the crap out of us... diva behavior, i know!!! but at least i make it up by being kind to animals and only eat them if i really have to (just on a daily basis! LOL hey, a girl's gotta eat to live) and not kick them around like some people i know. okay, okay, i admit it! when i was a kid i accidentally killed a kitten by stepping on it's stomach when i was playing the jumping game, chinese garter haha! but that's besides the point. what i'm really trying to say is that i am IN LIKE with someone and i have no clue as to why i feel this way about him. i made up the term IN LIKE because i know for sure that i LIKE this person but i know enough about LOVE to know that i'm not there yet. it has been said that when you meet someone for the first time and there's instant chemistry between the two of you, possibly in the past life you guys were best friends or spouses or siblings. this person that i like, there's definitely something about him that draws me to him but i can't really put my finger on what it is... dude, what is it about you that makes me like you so damn much??? ***sigh*** maybe he was my hero in the past life because there's just something about him that makes me smile... maybe it's his pretty eyelashes or that million dollar smile, cheesy to highest level!!! seriously, i wish i didn't like him so much because there is just no possibility of a future HIM and ME... or is there??? anything can happen right? even if he is engaged to be married soon... or is it just the optimist in me telling me to dream the impossible dream??? really, am i an optimist or just hallucinating? hahaha! (((poof!))) just writing about it broke my bubble of illusion! i'm back to earth again and i'm staying away from unavailable men... thank god i was able to keep my feelings in check just in the nick of time. now on with the quest for my very illusive mr.right! just like that! ☀ wink wink wink ;P

pretty eyes don't sleep

i've got a friend who's got the prettiest eyes i've seen. wink! wink! wink! he doesn't sleep much, got a wicked sense of humor, and keeps me up all night talking about stuff you don't wanna know about. my wish for my pretty eyed friend... ☀☀☀ Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket never let it fade away, Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket save it for a rainy day, For love may come and tap you on the shoulder some starless night, Just in case you feel you want to hold her, You'll have a pocketful of starlight ☀☀☀

Pleasant dreams my FRIEND... zZzZzZzZzZz... Snore away... ;P

awoooooooo!!! LOL

Valentine

i think the reason why i'm still single at 34 is because i really have no clue as to what i really want in a boy. it's either that or i'm just a horrible witch that no one wants to be with. but i've already kept my broomstick under lock and key so it's about time for me to start wishing for that perfect warlock... errr, i mean boy LOL! in the spirit of valentine's day i'm going to make a wish list of sorts for the qualities i want in my future partner (positive thinking!). i'll let the power of the mind do the work and see how this goes. i'm gonna think really long and hard about this coz after all

"thoughts become words,

words become actions,

actions become habits,

habits become character, and

character becomes one's destiny..."

and i'm crossing my fingers that by next valentine's day, my mister man will be by my side... because the universe is bringing him to me! ☀ wink wink wink ;P 

john abraham

♥ doesn't have to look exactly like john abraham but close (a girl can dream can't i?) ♥ tall, dark, handsome, pearly white teeth, minty fresh breath the whole day even if he just ate durian or shawarma (if he doesn't like those kinda food, he'll learn to love them, because i do! hehehe) ♥ drowns himself in aftershave, eau de toilette, body spray and cologne (i like my man smelling nice, deal with it!) ♥ fashion style must be neat and crisp, clothes clean and ironed out, shoes with socks, belt, and none of those hiphop jeans please! ♥ broad shoulders (a must!) not for me but for when my little bear falls asleep, he could help me carry little bear around hehehe! ♥ someone who takes good care of his skin (coz zits are my #1 pet peeve! eeewww!)

♥ a man with a plan... coz i hate being asked "what should we do today?" or "where do you wanna go?" or "where do we eat?" he has to have that all figured out and all i have to do is show up ♥ someone who takes his job seriously but not that seriously... a person who is able to separate work from his personal life and can manage his time between the two. it would be nice though, if he is already a millionaire and will just spend most of his time with me and little bear traveling the world (disneyworld, kotakinabalu, african safari *sigh*) ♥ funny... must be able to deal with my sarcastic humor and come up with a few comebacks so that i wouldn't feel like such an ass around him ♥ a gentle soul... enough with the bad boys, i'm choosing to disassociate myself from these types forever, history is not repeating itself this time around! it would be nice to be with someone who is a good boy in general but not the goody goody two shoes variety please! just someone who is good to his mom and family, that would be a keeper! (mama's boys are welcome to apply LOL)

♥ save the best for last... must love me and my little bear without conditions and feel at home in our chaotic little world! 

me and my little valentine

Part TWO

gonna build my world of dreams around you my little bear...

          the saga continues... LOL! this is the scene where i left off in my story about my UNEXPECTED LIFE: i was already 6 months pregnant when my parents found out i was pregnant and my little world has gone haywire! for a month or two me and C were planning our future little life together... he would be at the delivery room with me to hold my hand when i gave birth to baby tristan (he and i both came up with the name), i'll go back to work after my maternity leave, he'll work hard and help me out in taking care of the baby... we were building sandcastles in the air, but all that came crashing down when i let my parents take over all pregnancy related decision making. why did i let them? maybe out of guilt because i knew i disappointed them big time by getting knocked up, maybe because i felt like i didn't know what i was doing, maybe because i was just so happy they didn't decide to disown me... my parents decided that i leave makati right away... leave my job, my friends, my life, and C who has been my anchor in the stormy sea of chaos also known as my little world. i decided to go along with whatever they planned for me because i knew they had my best interest at heart, and i also thought it was best to have and raise my baby in the place where i grew up in. and so i tearfully said goodbye to my beloved makati along with the people who've become my family when mine was miles away. C asked me "what about our plans?" and i told him we could still go with what we've planned, i'll just have the baby in my hometown and when the baby gets a little older i'll come back. 

          deep down i wasn't really sure if i could really go back to makati, but i wanted to because C was there and i have grown to love my life in that big city... the job, the friends, the fun i had on my days off from work, the little world i have built for myself... in makati i wasn't RMA's daughter or martin's sister or my family's unica hija. i had a clean slate when i moved to makati, i was who i was and people accepted me for that. but i thought to myself that i could always go back when the baby got older and raising an infant in the big city was gonna be hard anyway. and so i went back to the place i grew up in. it was my home but somehow it didn't feel like it, it wasn't that familiar to me anymore. for the first few months it felt like i was only visiting, it was a transient place... maybe because my heart was still in makati, where my best friend C was. he and i lost touch after that, i shed some tears over it, and moved on. i had to move on... crying over what could have been wasn't an option, i had a baby on the way!

          on the month that i was going to give birth, i had a surprise visit from my old friend E. it was a whirlwind thing, and to make the long story short, he and i ended up planning a life together. i knew i was on the rebound but i kept convincing myself that this was what was best for my little tristan bear who was growing inside of me. E loved tristan even before the baby was born. i even named the baby after him because i consider him the father of my child. DNA doesn't make a person someone's father, LOVE does... and papaE loved little TRISTAN ENRICO. he still does to this date, and even though he and i are no longer a couple, he still loves my kid as his own, and for that i will be forever grateful... ***smile*** 

          fast forward to present time, my little bear is now 3 and i'm still living at home, still single. not the life i've planned but i've grown to love it anyway. the dream of picking up where i left off careerwise is still there somewhere but for now my little bear comes first. i couldn't find it in my heart to leave him for 9 hours to go to work. what i tell people when asked why i don't work is because my baby is too attached to me but actually it's the other way around: it is me who is very much attached to my kid hehehe! since the day he was born i haven't been away from him for a whole day, and except for his first 5 nights in the hospital nursery, he has slept beside me every night of his life, and that's how i like it! my dear friend PRECY told me about serendipity and i've realized that it best describes my unexpected life and how i feel about where the universe has taken me... precisely!!! (wink wink wink thanks gurl! ***mwah***) 

SERENDIPITY. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for. ~~~ Lawrence Block  
i may not be where i intended to go, but i am exactly where i'm meant to be... 
>>> right beside my LITTLE BEAR!!! ☀ wink wink wink ;p

Intermission

1. What is more difficult for you: looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel? the latter coz it creeps me out when someone starts talking in a serious manner. when someone spills his guts out, i don't wanna look him in the eye coz i just might have a violent reaction, and i have yet to master the art of making a poker face...

2. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone you are going to die? i'd keep it a secret! when i'm already a ghost i'd visit my friends and yell SURPRISED MUCH???

3. You can have one of the following two things: trust OR love?

TRUST, i believe the other will follow...

4. Does love = sex? YES...

5. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? 

no, i'm afraid i'm not a very good friend...

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? to hell with the dog hehe sorry little doggie...

7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

DISNEYWORLD with my little bear ***SIGH*** whatta dream...

8. What do you think about capital punishment? pointless! a criminal shouldn't be put to death, that's the easy way out. he should be roasted like a marshmallow over a fire pit hehehe

9. Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? yes. but if i tell you then i would have to kill you hehehe! actually, it's too distasteful to tell. i'd rather keep my mouth shut and pretend i'm a classy chick...

10. Ever been in a physical fight? If yes how many and who were they with?

yes. just once. with D. threw pots and pans at him... huhahahahaha (((evil laugh!))) hey i forgot, i also punched him in the face and his lips bled... sorry D... PEACE!

baaaaad cheetah!!! LOL

LIFE unexpected

me & my 5 day old bear

i never really expected i'd be a mother. before i had my little bear i had always been the aunt who spoils the nephews and neices with little toys and candy. i like hugging their soft little bodies, kissing their cute little faces, smelling their sweet baby scent... but when they start crying, i make a mad dash to the nearest exit and go on with my life as a single girl with no care in the world. 

how it used to be is very different from what it is now. my career had been my priority because i had nothing else going for me in the little world that i have built for myself in makati. my existence then wasn't bad at all... i was making enough to go on shopping sprees every weekend, and i did pretty much whatever i wanted without being answerable to anyone... date whoever i wanted to date, stayed out or stayed in whenever i felt like it, drank to my heart's content and partied like there was no tomorrow, so to speak... i have convinced myself that i was happy with where i was at, having just gotten over a seriously ugly break-up, yet somehow i felt empty. little did i know that that void was gonna be filled by the little bear growing inside me.

finding out i was pregnant was definitely something that made my world stop! for three months i thought it over... strategized, conceptualized, exhausted the poor little brain that i rarely used hehehe! there was no getting out of this one. i was in a jam. but it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. it was just something different... the moment i decided to keep my baby i knew things would change drastically. starting with eating habbits and unhealthy lifestyle practices... no more junk food and soda, no more partying for 2 days straight, no more sitting beside smokers, stuff like that.

i always thought i could go back to how it used to be once i had the baby. one thing i've learned from this experience is that things don't always go as planned and you can never be prepared enough no matter how much reading and brainstorming you put into it. for the first few months of little bear's life, i had winged it. control freak that i am, i have felt inadequate and little surprises that pop up here and there drove me insane. what the hell am i talking about? let me just tell it like it is, plain and simple coz even i am getting confused...

first off, baby daddy's name is J. i wouldn't admit it at that time but i was in a rebound relationship with him. i had just gotten over the drama of an "on again off again" relationship with D that had dragged on for a couple of years, and J was a refreshing change to the old and worn out routine i had with D, but J was insecure and was becoming psycho so i broke it off with him even before i found out i was pregnant. after J, i breifly dated P and A but not at the same time, those lasted about 1 minute each LOL! then came along C... i became fast friends with this boy and cried my eyes out on his shoulder; and i told him i wasn't getting fat but was in fact pregnant. i thought i'd never see him after that but surprisingly, he stuck around. he went with me to baby doctor appointments, took care of me when i was sick, celebrated with me when we found out i was having a boy, thought of baby names with me, even talked about eventually adopting the baby and building a life together...

that was the plan. but then there was this little thing i needed to do... tell my parents i was pregnant and that i wanted to share my life with a boy who wasn't the baby daddy. ohhhhh boy, i could just feel the chills running down my spine! and it was chaotic when my parents found out... ~~~ TO BE CONTINUED ~~~ sorry, the blogger is sleepy & didn't realize that the drama that is my life is sooooo long and winding LOL ~~~ TO BE CONTINUED next time, when i feel like writing again hehehe ;P

 didn't know what the hell i was doing...