you know who you are

I LOVE YOU. i hope you know that. we may not be what we used to be but that has not kept me from loving you. i always have. i always will. to me, you are the father of my child. although he does not have your DNA, i know how much you love him and i love you for that. but that's not the only reason why i love you. you are a good person, no matter how much you try to convince me otherwise; and you have been so kind to me and little bear. do i love you as a friend? do i love you as a person from my past? do i love you as a person i wanna have a future with? at this point in time, i have no clue as to what i want. and i'm pretty sure the topic of you and me is the farthest thing from your mind as well. right now, i like how things are between you and me... no bitterness from the past, no anxiety about the future, it is what it is... and it is a good thing! and i just wanna let you know that no matter where the wind blows, i will always be here for you; and even if you don't say it, i know i can rely on you to be there for me and our little bear, forever... stay safe out there, SOLDIER BOY... take care of yourself... 
☀ wink wink wink ;P

☀☀☀ Even though we have changed and we are finding our own place in the world, we know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we will come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we are no longer FRIENDS... ☀☀☀

autism mommies = awesome women

ever since my little boy was diagnosed with autism, i've always wanted to reach out to someone who was going through the same things i was going through just to talk, compare notes, and get some tips on how to deal with a child with autism. i joined online groups and discussion boards but never really found anyone i connected with so i dealt with my son's autism alone. i had the support of family and friends but unless you are a parent of an autistic kid, you can never fully fathom the extreme highs and lows of living with autism. at first little bear did occupational and speech therapy and i was able to chat with parents and caregivers at waiting areas of therapy centers and that somewhat helped. just knowing that someone else was struggling the same way i was was a relief.

when my little bear turned 3, his doctor told me he was ready for special school and so he went, with mama bear and nanny in tow; and there i was pleasantly surprised to meet 3 amazing women with whom i had instant connection and what bonded us was the disability that was common in our little boys. like me, they were stay at home moms with an autistic child. our boys were all classmates in special school and while the kids were in class, we sat around the waiting area talking about our boys. at first the kids were all we talked about, but in time i learned so much more about these amazing women. not only did i find comfort in their company, i also experienced what it was like to have fun again after a long time of just existing from day to day. i realized that from the moment i became a mother up until i met my mommy friends that i was simply watching life pass me by.

i've been so caught up with making sure my boy got all the therapies and intervention he needed that i have set aside my own needs. i was so set on making him come out of his little world that i myself have retreated to my own little world that revolved around my little bear and helping him get better. i declined invitations from friends to meet up for lunch and the only parties i went to were kiddie birthday parties with little bear to help him build his socialization skills. in doing all this, i was the one becoming anti-social. up until i became friends with P, D, and L, i forgot what it's like to simply have a good laugh with a bunch of friends. i realized that i, too, needed socialization!

P has taught me never to lose hope... i see her 8 year old autistic son doing so well in school, already talking, and no tantrums because he is able to express his needs, and i say a little prayer for my little bear that someday he too will be able to talk like this kid does. i was so inspired by P when she told me her son A used to be like my little bear... always running around, non-verbal, daily tantrums, autistic indeed! looking at A now, one can't really tell for sure if he's autistic or not... he answers when spoken to, he's very friendly, and most importantly, he will tell you what he wants. now i hold on to the hope that my little tristan bear will someday get to that level. i encourage little bear a lot to hang out with his classmate A who has become like a big brother to him in the hopes that some of A's communication skills will rub off on my little boy hehehe! A is not my kid but i am proud of him as if he were my own son because he's now ready for the big school. truly A has come a long way and all credit is due to his ever patient mom, my good friend P. good job gurl! *** pat on the back, fist bump, and bear hugs, too... ;P

D has taught me perseverance. D's kid J is 6 years old and quite difficult to handle. D is all grace under pressure especially in situations where if it were me i would have gone ballistic. i've seen J roll on the floor making himself dirty, throwing food and toys everywhere, running and jumping around, clapping his hands non-stop. if this were my kid, i don't know if i could stay as calm as D usually is. seeing D unfrazzled by it all has inspired me to stay cool, calm, and collected when dealing with my little bear especially when he is being "very autistic". whenever i complain to God for making my life difficult at times, i think about D and her son J and realize that my life isn't so bad after all. dealing with little bear is like a walk in the park compared to dealing with J. i have grown to love D like a sister and J like a son and i often find myself saying a prayer for them as well as for me and my boy. Me and little bear, D and J... we shall overcome autism together! hang in there with me gurl... ;P

L has such a hard life that i just wanna give her and her 5 year old little autistic boy G a big hug. she does all that she can to make life for little G and her 2 other kids as comfortable as possible. L is a survivor in every sense of the word. if i were in her shoes, i would have had a nervous breakdown with all her problems coming one after the other. dealing with autism is hard enough as it is, but that seems to be the least of L's worries. she has remained strong though, and is still able to have a good laugh in spite of all the chaos in her world. as with all my women friends, i look up to her in admiration and awe and i say a little prayer of thanks to Him who has given me these 3 women who are my source of strength and emotional support. L is transferring G to a different special school and me and little bear will truly miss them both. i love hanging out with them because little bear is able to socialize with little G, maybe because they are closer in age... they don't exchange many words but they play a lot, and L and i enjoy hearing their hearty laughter and happy giggles... ;P

almost a year has gone by since i first became friends with these super women. when i wake up each morning, i find myself looking forward to spending time with them. call it chemistry, call it commonality, call it convenience, i call it genuine friendship! it's kinda sad though because our boys will each be going their separate ways at the start of the new school year, but i find comfort in knowing that my friendship with these women of strength will be forever... thank you gurls for being there for me and my little tristan bear... words cannot express how much i hold each of you and your little boys dear to my heart... kisses, kisses, kisses, and bear hugs, too... see you guys around... ☀ wink wink wink ;P

☀☀☀ To know someone here or there with whom you can feel there is understanding in spite of distances or thoughts expressed --- That can make life a garden. ☀☀☀ 
~~~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

 

i like you just like that

you and me we can light up the sky... LOL... dream on...

there are people in this world that we like for no particular reason, the same way there are people who annoy us simply because the way they breathe irritates the crap out of us... diva behavior, i know!!! but at least i make it up by being kind to animals and only eat them if i really have to (just on a daily basis! LOL hey, a girl's gotta eat to live) and not kick them around like some people i know. okay, okay, i admit it! when i was a kid i accidentally killed a kitten by stepping on it's stomach when i was playing the jumping game, chinese garter haha! but that's besides the point. what i'm really trying to say is that i am IN LIKE with someone and i have no clue as to why i feel this way about him. i made up the term IN LIKE because i know for sure that i LIKE this person but i know enough about LOVE to know that i'm not there yet. it has been said that when you meet someone for the first time and there's instant chemistry between the two of you, possibly in the past life you guys were best friends or spouses or siblings. this person that i like, there's definitely something about him that draws me to him but i can't really put my finger on what it is... dude, what is it about you that makes me like you so damn much??? ***sigh*** maybe he was my hero in the past life because there's just something about him that makes me smile... maybe it's his pretty eyelashes or that million dollar smile, cheesy to highest level!!! seriously, i wish i didn't like him so much because there is just no possibility of a future HIM and ME... or is there??? anything can happen right? even if he is engaged to be married soon... or is it just the optimist in me telling me to dream the impossible dream??? really, am i an optimist or just hallucinating? hahaha! (((poof!))) just writing about it broke my bubble of illusion! i'm back to earth again and i'm staying away from unavailable men... thank god i was able to keep my feelings in check just in the nick of time. now on with the quest for my very illusive mr.right! just like that! ☀ wink wink wink ;P

pretty eyes don't sleep

i've got a friend who's got the prettiest eyes i've seen. wink! wink! wink! he doesn't sleep much, got a wicked sense of humor, and keeps me up all night talking about stuff you don't wanna know about. my wish for my pretty eyed friend... ☀☀☀ Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket never let it fade away, Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket save it for a rainy day, For love may come and tap you on the shoulder some starless night, Just in case you feel you want to hold her, You'll have a pocketful of starlight ☀☀☀

Pleasant dreams my FRIEND... zZzZzZzZzZz... Snore away... ;P

awoooooooo!!! LOL

Valentine

i think the reason why i'm still single at 34 is because i really have no clue as to what i really want in a boy. it's either that or i'm just a horrible witch that no one wants to be with. but i've already kept my broomstick under lock and key so it's about time for me to start wishing for that perfect warlock... errr, i mean boy LOL! in the spirit of valentine's day i'm going to make a wish list of sorts for the qualities i want in my future partner (positive thinking!). i'll let the power of the mind do the work and see how this goes. i'm gonna think really long and hard about this coz after all

"thoughts become words,

words become actions,

actions become habits,

habits become character, and

character becomes one's destiny..."

and i'm crossing my fingers that by next valentine's day, my mister man will be by my side... because the universe is bringing him to me! ☀ wink wink wink ;P 

john abraham

♥ doesn't have to look exactly like john abraham but close (a girl can dream can't i?) ♥ tall, dark, handsome, pearly white teeth, minty fresh breath the whole day even if he just ate durian or shawarma (if he doesn't like those kinda food, he'll learn to love them, because i do! hehehe) ♥ drowns himself in aftershave, eau de toilette, body spray and cologne (i like my man smelling nice, deal with it!) ♥ fashion style must be neat and crisp, clothes clean and ironed out, shoes with socks, belt, and none of those hiphop jeans please! ♥ broad shoulders (a must!) not for me but for when my little bear falls asleep, he could help me carry little bear around hehehe! ♥ someone who takes good care of his skin (coz zits are my #1 pet peeve! eeewww!)

♥ a man with a plan... coz i hate being asked "what should we do today?" or "where do you wanna go?" or "where do we eat?" he has to have that all figured out and all i have to do is show up ♥ someone who takes his job seriously but not that seriously... a person who is able to separate work from his personal life and can manage his time between the two. it would be nice though, if he is already a millionaire and will just spend most of his time with me and little bear traveling the world (disneyworld, kotakinabalu, african safari *sigh*) ♥ funny... must be able to deal with my sarcastic humor and come up with a few comebacks so that i wouldn't feel like such an ass around him ♥ a gentle soul... enough with the bad boys, i'm choosing to disassociate myself from these types forever, history is not repeating itself this time around! it would be nice to be with someone who is a good boy in general but not the goody goody two shoes variety please! just someone who is good to his mom and family, that would be a keeper! (mama's boys are welcome to apply LOL)

♥ save the best for last... must love me and my little bear without conditions and feel at home in our chaotic little world! 

me and my little valentine

Part TWO

gonna build my world of dreams around you my little bear...

          the saga continues... LOL! this is the scene where i left off in my story about my UNEXPECTED LIFE: i was already 6 months pregnant when my parents found out i was pregnant and my little world has gone haywire! for a month or two me and C were planning our future little life together... he would be at the delivery room with me to hold my hand when i gave birth to baby tristan (he and i both came up with the name), i'll go back to work after my maternity leave, he'll work hard and help me out in taking care of the baby... we were building sandcastles in the air, but all that came crashing down when i let my parents take over all pregnancy related decision making. why did i let them? maybe out of guilt because i knew i disappointed them big time by getting knocked up, maybe because i felt like i didn't know what i was doing, maybe because i was just so happy they didn't decide to disown me... my parents decided that i leave makati right away... leave my job, my friends, my life, and C who has been my anchor in the stormy sea of chaos also known as my little world. i decided to go along with whatever they planned for me because i knew they had my best interest at heart, and i also thought it was best to have and raise my baby in the place where i grew up in. and so i tearfully said goodbye to my beloved makati along with the people who've become my family when mine was miles away. C asked me "what about our plans?" and i told him we could still go with what we've planned, i'll just have the baby in my hometown and when the baby gets a little older i'll come back. 

          deep down i wasn't really sure if i could really go back to makati, but i wanted to because C was there and i have grown to love my life in that big city... the job, the friends, the fun i had on my days off from work, the little world i have built for myself... in makati i wasn't RMA's daughter or martin's sister or my family's unica hija. i had a clean slate when i moved to makati, i was who i was and people accepted me for that. but i thought to myself that i could always go back when the baby got older and raising an infant in the big city was gonna be hard anyway. and so i went back to the place i grew up in. it was my home but somehow it didn't feel like it, it wasn't that familiar to me anymore. for the first few months it felt like i was only visiting, it was a transient place... maybe because my heart was still in makati, where my best friend C was. he and i lost touch after that, i shed some tears over it, and moved on. i had to move on... crying over what could have been wasn't an option, i had a baby on the way!

          on the month that i was going to give birth, i had a surprise visit from my old friend E. it was a whirlwind thing, and to make the long story short, he and i ended up planning a life together. i knew i was on the rebound but i kept convincing myself that this was what was best for my little tristan bear who was growing inside of me. E loved tristan even before the baby was born. i even named the baby after him because i consider him the father of my child. DNA doesn't make a person someone's father, LOVE does... and papaE loved little TRISTAN ENRICO. he still does to this date, and even though he and i are no longer a couple, he still loves my kid as his own, and for that i will be forever grateful... ***smile*** 

          fast forward to present time, my little bear is now 3 and i'm still living at home, still single. not the life i've planned but i've grown to love it anyway. the dream of picking up where i left off careerwise is still there somewhere but for now my little bear comes first. i couldn't find it in my heart to leave him for 9 hours to go to work. what i tell people when asked why i don't work is because my baby is too attached to me but actually it's the other way around: it is me who is very much attached to my kid hehehe! since the day he was born i haven't been away from him for a whole day, and except for his first 5 nights in the hospital nursery, he has slept beside me every night of his life, and that's how i like it! my dear friend PRECY told me about serendipity and i've realized that it best describes my unexpected life and how i feel about where the universe has taken me... precisely!!! (wink wink wink thanks gurl! ***mwah***) 

SERENDIPITY. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for. ~~~ Lawrence Block  
i may not be where i intended to go, but i am exactly where i'm meant to be... 
>>> right beside my LITTLE BEAR!!! ☀ wink wink wink ;p

Intermission

1. What is more difficult for you: looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel? the latter coz it creeps me out when someone starts talking in a serious manner. when someone spills his guts out, i don't wanna look him in the eye coz i just might have a violent reaction, and i have yet to master the art of making a poker face...

2. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone you are going to die? i'd keep it a secret! when i'm already a ghost i'd visit my friends and yell SURPRISED MUCH???

3. You can have one of the following two things: trust OR love?

TRUST, i believe the other will follow...

4. Does love = sex? YES...

5. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? 

no, i'm afraid i'm not a very good friend...

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? to hell with the dog hehe sorry little doggie...

7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

DISNEYWORLD with my little bear ***SIGH*** whatta dream...

8. What do you think about capital punishment? pointless! a criminal shouldn't be put to death, that's the easy way out. he should be roasted like a marshmallow over a fire pit hehehe

9. Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? yes. but if i tell you then i would have to kill you hehehe! actually, it's too distasteful to tell. i'd rather keep my mouth shut and pretend i'm a classy chick...

10. Ever been in a physical fight? If yes how many and who were they with?

yes. just once. with D. threw pots and pans at him... huhahahahaha (((evil laugh!))) hey i forgot, i also punched him in the face and his lips bled... sorry D... PEACE!

baaaaad cheetah!!! LOL