2011

i've been angry this year. so many things i want to do, so many places i want to go to, but i can't. so many people i want to reach out to, but i don't want to for fear of rejection... my self worth has gone up a notch. i no longer feel like such a loser, and i'm proud that i found a job... i'm no longer happy because someone or something made me happy. i am happy because i am happy. being happy is possible after all, even with the non-existent luv life... my empty world doesn't feel so empty anymore. i became close with a handful of friends. i'm beginning to have a social life... i've realized that being hopeful is a good thing... wishing, wishing, wishing. hoping, hoping, hoping. believing that 2012 will be a great year for me and my bear!!!

i love you, buddy!!!

someone absolutely delightful came into my life! he has made me realize how important it is to have a friend you can count on. it's so refreshing to have a friend, who is a boy, who is not a boyfriend... you know what i mean! truly, there are certain people you meet in life who makes it possible for your frozen heart to become just a tiny bit warmer. it's too early to tell but i have a feeling that this friendship is gonna last a lifetime. if not, if for whatever reason he'll not be part of my world anymore, i just know i'll never forget this person and he'll always have a special place in my heart. lately i've been feeling a certain emptiness... i have a full life with my little bear, my gal pals, and our little autism community, but somehow it lacked something. when i met this buddy of mine and started becoming fast friends with him, i realized i miss having someone to talk to. he is someone i can connect with, laugh with, talk about serious stuff or the most mundane of things in our daily lives, without the complications of a committed relationship. i always thought a boy and a girl can never be just friends... now i know it's possible. i just wanna thank you, buddy, for being my one man support system for the past month. you've helped me in so many ways... not just in finding a job, but you've also helped me rediscover my self-worth. i'm feeling a little more confident about myself these days and that's because you pushed me into making things happen. just know that little bear and i will always be here for you, buddy! i love you always, always, always... ;););)

13 random questions

i see the moon, the moon sees me, under the shade of the old oak tree,
please let the light that shines on me, shine on the one i love... ♥♥♥

1))) Are you a morning person or a night person? >>> i used to be a night person... slept during the day, worked at night. even when i wasn't working i stayed up all night watching tv and surfing the net... but now that bear is in school, we both need to get up really early in the morning so i sleep like a normal person now...

2))) Are there any causes you strongly believe in? >>> autism awareness and the research for a cure for autism. i wish more people will be aware of the condition the families with autism are in so as not to be so quick to pass judgement on parents and so that quirks of children with autism like my bear will be more accepted in society.

3))) When you meet someone of the opposite sex, what do you first notice about them? Which are the parts of their body that you notice? >>> i notice how clean the person is. of course i then notice the face and how well they dress. and how nice a person smells is definitely a turn on =D

4))) Which is your favorite comic book character? What do you like about him/her? 
>>> betty cooper of archie comics... coz she's a good girl... i wanna be one too... 

5))) Have you ever used being drunk as an excuse for doing or saying something? >>> yes! LOL 

6))) Who was the first person you ever kissed? >>> a classmate, when i was 13...

7))) Who was your first love? >>> the person i first kissed...

8))) If someone gave you $1,000 and asked you to kill a butterfly by burning it alive in the flame of a candle, would you do it? >>> yes! i'm so broke i'll do it for the money... LOL

9))) If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would you ask for? >>> a trip for 2 to disneyland coz me and my bear badly need a vacation... a new laptop coz mine is falling apart... and several sessions with dr.bello... LOL

10))) Have you ever dated two guys at once without either of them being the wiser about it? >>> no, i've always been a one man woman...

11))) Is there someone from the past you really miss and would like to locate? >>> yes, i always wonder about him. i don't know his last name so i can't search him on facebook.

12))) Would you marry someone much richer or much poorer than you? >>> how much a person has in his bank account doesn't matter to me, how much sense he has in his head does.

13))) If you won a million dollars in a lottery, what would you do with it? >>> shopping spree for me and my bear... travel around the world with the whole family... and i will buy all the chocolate covered macadamia nuts i want!

a glimpse of me... LOL

1.) Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

>>> 5 years from now i'll be happily settled in makati with my little bear... he'd be attending regular school... i'd be back at work... our home life would be peaceful... the nanny would be reliable... a boyfriend or husband in the picture would be nice, too (optional! LOL)... and i'd be fit and trim and fabulous... and every now and then, me and my bear will be going off to awesome vacation destinations...

2.) How happy are you with your appearance?

>>> not so much... lots of room for improvement!

3.) What is the one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

>>> i wish i had more guts to make things happen now...

4.) What is the one thing you like most about yourself?

>>> i like how thorough i am in taking care of my kid...

5.) What is the one thing you regret the most in your life?

>>> i regret using people like they were disposable commodities... if i were to go back in time, i would not have gotten into relationships just for the sake of having one... i would have been more considerate of other people's feelings...

6.) Do you feel you had a happy childhood?

>>> yes, a happy childhood...

7.) Were you deprived or abused in any way as a child?

>>> no...

8.) How do you feel about your mother?

>>> tricky question... love her... hate her...

9.) How do you feel about your father?

>>> he's ok... sometimes i'm proud of him... sometimes he's embarrassing...

10.) How do you feel about your parent's relationship?

>>> i don't really care about their relationship...

11.) Do you feel closer to your mother or father?

>>> neither...

12.) Do you still talk to any of your childhood friends?

>>> yes... some are still my closest friends even now that we're in our 30s

13.) How many close friends do you have?

>>> a handfull...

14.) Do you like to gossip?

>>> of course...

15.) How do you feel about church and religion?

>>> i feel that prayer should be a personal matter between you and your god...
i don't go to church much... not very religious...

16.) What are your political views?

>>> i don't really give a damn...

17.) How do you feel about children?

>>> i love my kid... enough said

18.) Where is your favorite place to go?

>>> i like dining out with my girlfriends to places that serve good food and drinks...

19.) What do you like to do on weekends or in your spare time?

>>> watch movies and television shows... read books... cuddle up with my bear...

20.) Do you consider yourself outgoing?

>>> no. i know i need to put myself out there... soon!!!

this is me... the wicked witch! hihihihihi

what i love about you

3 random things i love about my little autistic bear:


>>> he doesn't cry the way a regular kid does: boohuhuhu = boring!!! this is how he cries: he cries out words in alphabetical order... apple, ball, cat, dog, elephant with huge tears falling down his flustered face... hearing this for the first time just made me laugh out loud! this unique way of crying sounded so funny that it made me smile and melted away all my troubles, and then he giggles, and all is well in our little world once again... =D


>>> he sometimes wakes up before i do and pokes at my face and pulls my hair until i open my eyes... and then, just for me, he flashes the biggest smile with dimples on both chubby cheeks... this just makes my day! and if i'm really lucky, he throws in a kiss or two on the lips and cheeks, even without me forcing him to do so... and if i'm really, really lucky, he lets me hug him for a while without squirming and it sure feels like heaven... ***sigh***


>>> he sings "twinkle twinkle little star" and "good morning sa iyo" when he's excited, frustrated or just bored... the tone would depend on his mood... regardless of how he sings, his singing is always music to my ears... 6 months ago he can't even utter his name... each word that comes out of his little mouth is a blessing... each time he does what he's told to do is something to be applauded... each giggle sends my heart aflutter... hehehe! 


thank you, Lord for this little bear! ;P

thank you, Lord!!!

waking up to the sight of this smiling bear
every morning makes me feel like
i'm the luckiest girl! ♥♥♥  

who's your daddy?

ever since the thought of me becoming a single mother has sank in, i've always been a little worried about what i was going to say to my little bear when THE TIME comes --the time when he'll ask about his father... i was somewhat relieved when i learned he was autistic when he was around 2 because back then i knew very little about children in the autism spectrum and i thought he'd be so engrossed in his own little world that he wouldn't care about where he came from and wouldn't bother to ask me the dreaded question which, up to now, i don't know how to answer. a little sigh of relief for me back then... little did i know that this little bear is one persistent little fella... he tries super hard to communicate with me and the rest of the world (sooo proud of him for this!) and i just know in my heart that he'll be conversing in no time. at the rate he is going now, i have a feeling i would need to start preparing what i will be telling him in the not so distant future about HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED (the F word!!! --F as in Father hehehe!) i don't want to tell lies to my son, i just want to sugarcoat the truth a little bit --the truth is, the person who shares his DNA didn't want anything to do with us. that had made me feel rejected for a long time and i don't want my boy to be as sad as i had been... rejection in any form sucks! although i am still apprehensive about our future TALK about his biological father, i am happy that my 4 year old little autistic bear is thriving and getting curious about the world around him. he is beginning to speak in a few phrases and sentences and is now more able to express his needs... i have a feeling he's going to be asking a lot of questions real soon. for now, i will just enjoy the happy social smiles and giggles coming from my little bear and cheer him on when he says words appropriately... i'll worry about the future when it comes, i'll just have to wing it then... wish me luck! i got this... wink! wink! wink!

i got  you babe!!!